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- Forget LOVE I'd rather fall in Chocolate.
- Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldnt seem quite so funny. --Jack Handey
- Some say the glass is half empty; some say its half full. I say , Are you going to drink that?
- Wheres my Jacket!? Ive looked everywhere! Under the bed, over my chair, on the stairs, on the hall floor, in the kitchen. Its just not anywhere .. Oh Here it is! Who put it in the stupid closet!? --Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I think youre a fantastic guy under that layer of jerk.
- Finally you realize youve met the perfect guy, the one youve waited your whole life for and then you wake up.
- Anything thats good and useful is made of chocolate.
- They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.
- Mr. Right is coming. But hes in Africa and hes walking.
- There are three kinds o people in this world: Those who can count and those you cant.
- Sometimes I lay awake at night and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." --Charlie Brown
- I'm not weird ... I'm just interesting and you're just jealous!
- You stink so bad you made Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused.
- Im not the brightest crayon in the box, but at least Im everyones favorite color.
- Men are stupid. If you forget, theyll remind you.
- In a world full of cheerios be a fruit loop!
- Dont walk behind me, it gives me the creeps. Dont walk beside me, were not a couple. Walk in front of me, so I can push you down the stairs.
- Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier.
- I dont know what your problem is, but I bet its hard to pronounce.
- Never knock on Deaths door. Ring the doorbell and runaway. He hates that.
- Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your heart; just as time can heal his broken arms and legs. --Miss Piggy
- Just because Im moody doesnt mean youre not irritating.
- If life was like a giant VCR, our lives would be on tape. And we could fast forward past the really bad stuff, and rewind the really good stuff. Except, with my luck, Id probably lose the remote and get stuck at like, cheerleader day in the cafeteria.
- How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door youre on.
- When you knock your head against a vase and it sounds empty, dont automatically assume the vase is empty.
- When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if its not. MMMBoy! --Jack Handey
- My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far today, Ive finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
- Maybe we all start out smart. Then we discover boys, and end up as dumb as they are.
- Children need encouragement. If a kid get and answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. --Jack Handey
- If you cant laugh at yourself Ill be glad to do it for you.
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